Devils and Devilry
by PreTitlesSequence
Summary: Your sarcastic companion fic to Being Human series 5, including letters to the characters, musings, really thoughtful inner meanings, Marigolds and plenty of rotas. Major series five spoilers lie beyond! The final chapter is now up, fic completed.
1. The Trinity

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter one of Devils and Devilry!**

**This is a sequel to my series four companion fic, Prophecies and Properness, where I mocked every episode (well, apart from episode eight, which still haunts my completist side to this day) of series four. So, for the next six weeks, here's what'll be happening here:**

**I watch the new episode on Sunday night, and hopefully, so do you. Then, the next day, I write another chapter concerning the week's episode, with funny (I can hope), sarcastic and completely biased letters to the characters, the three heroes and one loser of the episode, a really deep moral lesson I learnt from the episode, a sarcastic recap of last week, a prediction for the next episode and some musings.**

**There'll be six chapter for each episode of series five, plus a summary chapter at the end, posted every Monday evening (if possible). Really, really huge spoilers lie below.**

**You might want to wear a helmet, because this will blow your mind (I'm so sorry. I'll never make that joke again). I don't own **_**Being Human**_**.**

**So, with that pre-amble over, here's Episode One, 'The Trinity'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

After Mitchell was killed by George, Nina was killed by vampires and George was killed by a poster of the moon (well, if you think about it), only Annie the eternally cheerful ghost with reverse trust issues remained. Meanwhile, Tom the werewolf came to stay, followed by everyone's favourite OCD vampire, Hal.

They all went on some magical adventures, involving vampires who want to murder a baby, a psychopathic ghost with terrifying dance moves, the pairing of a teenage sex-pest vampire and a forty-something succubus, a vampire who wanted to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cutler (need I say more?), and Mark Gatiss. Along the way, they picked up Scottish human-turned-ghost Alex, and Annie blew up a baby (did I mention the war child?), and went through her door.

When we left off, Hal was shouting abuse, strapped to a chair, in the living room of Honolulu Heights, and creepily posh suit Mr Rook showed up and nicked Alex's body.

* * *

HEROES AND LOSER

HEROES - 1. Tom - still chivalrous, still awesome, 2. Alex - Yes, she might have lost a brain cell or two when she let Crumb out, but that doesn't stop her being a BAMF, 3. Hal - Because I say so.

LOSER - Mr Rook. I'm sorry, but no matter how good your intentions are, nothing stops you being a huge creep. And also, he stabbed someone in the eye. With a pen. Come to think of it, isn't that what the Joker did?

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - Never let the Devil into your hotel. It'll end in tears.

* * *

MUSINGS

Wait a second, I thought Mr Rook could see Alex last series? Maybe he has a cold, or something.

I really should hate Crumb, but there's something weirdly adorable about his little superhero fantasies.

I never knew Toby Whithouse was in the government.

Did no one notice that door that was being held open by Alex at the end?

There are far better ways to use pens than THAT. Jesus, Dom.

And yet no-one realises that Captain Hatch is really pleased about the suicide. That's hotels for you.

He Will Rise? I'm sure they're talking about Tom there.

* * *

LETTERS

ONE - Well, it's nice to see you again. First things first, it's time to talk about topless you. I think it's safe to say that you have some slightly weird addiction to taking your top off. Congratulations on your really, really easy job interview, I'm sure that was exhausting. Let's just hope you realize that the Devil's in the kitchen, and he's set on turning you against your friend. I'm sure you'll realize in the finale one day.

And how's the bloodlust going? I'm assuming that you got your fix with Cram (like the runner, not like Crumb... the crumb), but you know... stay away from now on. Also, I apologise for my insensitivity (and terrible puns) about your bloodlust last year. I'm bloody sorry about that. I'll never bloody do it again, I promise.

PTS

TWO - Hello again! Long time no see. I see you've adjusted pretty nicely to the afterlife, after some understandable trauma. I'm sorry about Mr Rook - take it from me, he's the Creep of the Year and it's only February. On the bright side, now you're a ghost, you can pop up and piss him off anytime you like and he'll never know you were there. The perks of being a ghost. They never stop.

But sadly, you also made a major cock-up this week - letting Crumb/Cram out of the cellar. Did you really think that he wouldn't do anything apart from go and drink someone dry? Really? I think Annie was a little bit of a bad influence on you. Three words: reverse trust issues.

You're still awesome, though.

PTS

THREE - Welcome back! It's good to see you're still as chivalrous as you ever were, even if you might have got on Alex's nerves a little bit. Congrats on your new job, too, even if a general knowledge round was required. It might be to do with (and I speak as a fellow bloke) the fact that you look just a little bit like Woody from Toy Story.

And the same goes for you - avoid Cap'n Hatch, because, and this isn't a metaphor, believe me... he's the Devil. Watch out for that one, you don't want to start trusting him - and considering you believed that Cutler meant well (he meant well for the audience, but not exactly for you) last year, I really wouldn't put it past you. Sorry.

Stay frosty,

PTS

FOUR - To be honest, I'm a little worried writing this. It's not every day you write to the Antichrist. But you're in every episode, so I'm obliged to. So, here we go. Can I kindly ask you to stop asking people to commit suicide? It's not very nice, and you won't earn any friends this way - well, I'm not sure you could ever have friends, but that's not really the point, is it?

And even if you are the King of Evil, don't touch Hal and Tom's bromance. Kirby did it last year, and we all know what happened to him. I know that's your plan for world domination, but why not try another way? Making Tumblr crash would probably do the trick. It usually does.

And yes, I just laughed at the Devil. It probably means an awful lot of bad luck, but it's worth it.

PTS

FIVE - Hello there, you creep. I actually quite liked you when I first saw you, but now? Well, let's just say I don't. You might be a 'good guy' (the loosest definition of a good guy possible, but a good guy nonetheless), but you go about your good intentions in a very, very screwed up way.

Just curious - how many people have you stabbed in the eye? The office boss may have been a bit of an idiot, but honestly, did he deserve it? It does kind of make you wonder how many people you've killed, to be honest. Maybe imprisoning them would work, or showing them a few pictures of cats on the internet.

And I know where you learnt your eye-stabbing tricks from. Stop watching _The Dark Knight_, the Joker's a bad influence on you.

PTS

SIX - And finally, we have you. I've got to say, I think you might be the next Cutler - don't worry about him, he's dead (sob). Yes, you drank a man dry - well, Gavin had it coming, look at his hair and tell me he didn't deserve to die - but you're still weirdly cute, like a six-year announcing that they want to be a fairy when they're older. I'm sorry, that was below me.

PTS

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - Yes, I really liked it. Phil Davis is awesome.

* * *

PREDICTION FOR NEXT EPISODE - Alex will discover a creepy Victorian child haunting Honolulu Heights, who'll generally be a bit of a pain. He'll have been sent by the men with sticks and rope, who'll finally appear (I saw plenty of rope in the trailer) to try and drag Alex through to the afterlife (she probably broke the rules somehow).

Meanwhile, Tom and Hal will compete for Employee of the Month at the hotel, which'll escalate until they're all out fighting each other (not again!). Meanwhile, Captain Hatch will have a field day with all the fighting, and will finally get out of his wheelchair. And yes, these are barmy.

* * *

**So, that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but any tips or constructive criticism are very welcome, because I'm still several hundred miles north of perfect, and any tips will result in better chapters for you. Requests for new sections/things you want mentioned are also welcome.**

**The chapter for episode two, 'Sticks and Rope', will be uploaded on Monday 11 February.**

**PTS out.**


	2. Sticks and Rope

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter two of Devils and Devilry!**

**This week's author note/mini-blog (I can't help myself!) is a little bit of a downer, because of a little piece of news that came through this Thursday. You're not going to like this if you haven't heard already: **_**Being Human **_**is being axed.**

**Yep, after series five wraps up, there'll be no more Hal, no more Tom, no more Alex... heck, no more supernaturals living in crappy B&Bs in Wales. The reasons for the axe are the usual 'budget cuts' shtick, but that doesn't really matter, anyway. There's only one up-side to this, and it's that Toby Whithouse was informed of the axe before writing, so there'll be a proper climax to the show. And yes, you might be annoyed. I certainly am. But let's just enjoy this final series, and not focus on how **_**Being Human **_**will be no more in five weeks. And besides, we have some pretty awesome stuff to get through beforehand - and there's just the small matter of defeating the Devil.**

**Phew. Glad that's over and done with. But on a more positive note, a huge thank you to everyone who reviewed and followed/Favorited the story. You're all amazing, and you'll get thanked at the end, and replies. So, without further down-hearted rambling, here's Episode Two, 'Sticks and Rope'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

After the horrific torture of being strapped to a chair, being fed mashed banana and being forced to watch Honolulu Heights becoming a little bit of a mess, Hal was finally let out of his chair. First of all, he and Tom got jobs at the Barry Grand Hotel, managed by a rabid Hal fan-girl, and second of all, he turns car-crash victim and general loser Crumb into a vampire. So far, so bad.

Meanwhile, creepy suit Dominic Rook learned from Toby Whithouse that his department was going to be shut down, and reacted by stabbing an office worker in the eye with a pen. As you do. Crumb, chained to a radiator by Hal, is let free by angry Scottish ghost Hal, and proceeds to eat a work colleague. And back in the Barry Grand, we learn that the Devil is staying in the hotel and is plotting to take over the world. Just a normal day, right?

* * *

HEROES AND LOSER

1. Alex - She's the best big sister you could ever hope for, and she's really uh... good at piano. 2. Oliver - Yeah, he was sent by the men with sticks and rope, but that didn't stop him from being weirdly awesome. 3. Hal, if only for his last minute defence of Tom. Well played, Hal, well played.

LOSER - Mr Rook, because locking a hungry and volatile vampire in a room with two people he hates is a recipe for disaster on an epic scale. You big noob, you. Oh - and what's this? He was the loser last week too? Funny, that.

* * *

QUOTES (The five best quotes from the episode)

OLIVER - 'Your magical singing was sub-par at best!'

OLIVER - 'Make me, dollymop! Flapdragon!' (A/N Who didn't love Oliver's Victorian schoolbuy insults?)

CRUMB - 'You must think I'm a right noob!'

HAL - 'I can't slouch. I have a dancer's back.'

CAPTAIN HATCH/OLD NICK/THE DEVIL/WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT - (Deep breath) "I'm getting stronger every day. And when the time is right I will rise. And then I'm going to drain the world dry. I'm going to lap up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I'm gonna turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children, I'm going to scorch the Earth with proper Old Testament despair and teach them that the Gods are there to be feared, and everything you love will die and everything you're scared of will come true!"

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - Food fights in the restaurant aren't the best way to settle your differences, and/or keep your job.

* * *

MUSINGS

As creepy as Mr Rook is, he deserves a little bit of credit for putting up with Crumb's weird ramblings about Flaming Orc. That takes some doing.

I don't think Hal's the slouching type. Just a hunch.

The men with sticks and rope have a lot of rope, and very few sticks. I guess rope is cheaper.

I have to say, I've missed the Hal/Tom bromance.

I am truly terrified. The army of the vampire nerds are coming for us!

I kind of hope they looked into the magical dodgem that moved all on its own.

I love how Toby Whithouse is a regular in his own show now.

And as awesome as that speech was, I can't help thinking that it might've gone over Patsy's head a little, with the whole bleeding issue. Ah, forget it, it _was _pretty epic.

Look! Howard Moon's in _Being Human _next week!

* * *

LETTERS

ONE - Bit of a rough week for you, what with a creepy Victorian child living in Honolulu Heights and a quick meeting with the men with sticks and rope. Despite all that, you managed to handle all of that pretty well. I think I would've probably fled at the sight of Oliver (don't judge me!), let alone the agents of the Devil, so kudos for that.

And while I'm sorry about not being able to see your smelly brothers, are they living in Barry now? Erm... what happened to a caravan holiday in Barry? Wait... did Hal and Tom drive up to Scotland just so they would be with you? And um... I need to stop asking questions. Now.

PTS

TWO - You're dedicated, aren't you? It's kind of funny how Hal was bust doing his fake slouching act, while you're sprinting over to Patsy. And congratulations, because you might just be the only person in the world to be enthusiastic about emptying the Devil's (or anyone's, really) colostomy bag. And yes, I never thought I'd talk about emptying the Devil's colostomy bag, either.

Good to know that you've patched up your differences with Hal for now, because as I keep warning you (and for some bizarre reason, you never listen. God knows why) it's an all-you-can-eat buffet for the creepy guy in the wheelchair (you know... the Antichrist), so in future... please be nicer to Hal? I'm sure nobody would mind.

PTS

THREE - Hello there. I have to say, you were a little bit of a hypocrite this time around - what happened to being friendly with Tom? Just one chat with Captain Hatch and there you are... rubbing jam in his face. But well done for calling Patsy out on being a little bit of a suck-up, because let's face it... she was a little bit of a fan-girl (A/N Nothing wrong with fan-girls... just snobby fangirls who also happen to be hotel managers. I don't think there are very many of them).

But on the bright side, at least you're all friends again, even if it cost you your job. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get it back one day. You can't just leave the Devil in the Barry Grand, can you? I don't think the almighty Plot Gods (the men with pens and Coke) would be too happy with that one.

PTS

FOUR - Why hello again, Old Nick. I warned you last week to keep away from Hal and Tom's bromance... and what did you do? You made them have a food fight in the middle of the hotel restaurant. If you weren't the Devil, and if I were Jason Statham, I'd probably come after you... but considering the circumstances, I'm just going to have to tell you off.

And don't try and make yourself look good by doing an evil but weirdly badass monologue - I don't like your tone. Three strikes and you're out. You're going straight on the naughty step. Go to your room - this isn't really working, is it? Mental note... never tell the Devil to sit on the naughty step ever again.

PTS

FIVE - Well, I called you a creep last week, and I was going to apologize for that. Maybe you weren't an eye-stabbing creep this time around... but was locking the obviously insane (just listen to him for five seconds and you'll see what I mean) Crumb in a room with two relatives he hates a good idea?

Yeah, we get it. You're going a little nuts now that the men with pens and Coke are shutting your department down. But considering those deaths were ultimately pointless, and that you have a whole archive full of better material to use... well, let's just say you're travelling further and further away from the point that most people call sanity.

PTS

SIX - I'd be surprised if you're reading this, to be honest, now you're on the other side, but I felt obliged to anyway. To be honest, I'm pretty jealous of you, even if you were sent by the agents of the Devil. Also, could you get someone to send me a few of those insults? I can't wait to tell someone that they're a beef-witted apple-jack.

PTS

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - Scary, messy, jammy, awesome. The men with sticks and rope are just as creepy as they sounded.

* * *

PREDICTION FOR THE NEXT EPISODE (Oh, minor spoilers, because these are partially taken from trailers and clips) - Howard Moon (feel free to insert 'weatherman Larry' instead of Howard Moon) from _The Mighty Boosh _will meet Tom, who being the hopelessly naive werewolf he is, will adopt Howard Moon as his idol. Sadly, Howard Moon will be scratched by a werewolf and it'll be Tom's turn to mentor him.

Alex will meet Hal's Regency ghost friend Lady Mary, who will turn out to be a little less 'Lady' and a little more 'Alex' than Hal originally thought. And Mr Rook will threaten to commit suicide after his department goes bust... but won't go through with it.

* * *

**That's it for this week! Please review - positive reviews are great, but constructive criticism are very welcome, because I'm nowhere near perfect (and I doubt I ever will be), and any tips/help mean better chapters for you to (hopefully, I can't please everyone, or even a fraction of 'everyone') enjoy. And if you want something to be mentioned for a new section to be introduced, just mention in a review and there's a 99% chance it'll end up in the next chapter.**

**The chapter for episode three, 'Pie and Prejudice', will be uploaded a little later - on Tuesday 19 February.**

**PTS out.**


	3. Pie and Prejudice

**A/N Hello, and welcome to (the slightly delayed) chapter three of Devils and Devilry!**

**Hey, guess what? We're already halfway through **_**Being Human**_**'s final series. To be honest, it feels like we just got started with the series and we're already staring into the gaping hole of the final three episodes. I have absolutely no idea what will happen in said episodes (apart from episode four - thanks, BBC Press Office!), but it's safe to say it'll involve a lot of death (I'm calling it now, Hal will die, even though literally no-one on the planet aside from Toby Whithouse wants that to happen) a lot of destruction, and a lot of bromance. I'm equally excited and terrified for March 10 (see if you can figure out the significance of that date).**

**And thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed/favorited/followed the story last time - I'm really happy with the reception for the fic so far and it's all because the awesome reviews.**

**So, without any more rambling, here's Episode Three, 'Pie and Prejudice'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

Honolulu Heights had a visit from creepy Victorian child with a penchant for really strange insults. With Hal and Tom now working at the one-star Barry Grand Hotel, it was left to Alex to entertain the ghost, who proved to be quite hard to entertain. Meanwhile at the Barry Grand, an Employee of the Month competition was set up, which ended up with Hal rubbing jam in Tom's face in the middle of the restaurant. Luckily, Hal finally stood up for Tom, and they were both fired, instead of just Tom. Well done, Hal!

And Creep of the Year 2013 Mr Rook managed to keep his stranglehold on crapness when he locked Crumb in a room with his relatives, which ended up with the archive shut down, and Crumb in the process of creating an army of vampire role-players. Current recruits: two.

And back at Honolulu Heights, the fabled men with too little sticks and too much rope broke through into Honolulu Heights, and proceeded to bellow the word 'rise' into Alex's ear before disappearing.

Don't worry, newcomers, it all makes sense in context!

* * *

HAL'S FASHION WATCH (This was requested by a reviewer. I'm sorry in advance)

Buy a new dressing gown, Hal.

_And so concludes the enchanting and educational Hal's Fashion Watch section_.

* * *

HEROES AND A LOSER

HEROES 1. Tom - He might have been manipulated for the umpteenth time, but he's probably the most sane of the Honolulu Heights trinity at this point. 2. Alex - Not much heroism was required to get into this week's section, but she's not half bad at pep talks, 3. Lady Mary - And now we're _really _scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren't we?

LOSER - Someone had to break Mr Rook's loser streak, and the honour falls to Larry, for breaking the world record for the most lies told in an episode of a TV show. Runner-up: Hal, because THAT was uncalled for.

* * *

QUOTES

LARRY - 'What the galloping balls was that?'

TOM - 'There's a new player in town. And he's got the skills, and the looks, and the motivation, and the skills.'

LADY MARY - 'Oh my God, do you ever listen to yourself? It's like the shipping forecast took a shit in your ear!'

LARRY - 'Abso-Larry-lutely!'

HAL - 'You want to speak to the real me? Hello Larry. Here I am. Did you want to speak to me?'

* * *

MUSINGS

I love how Larry looks really bad-ass at the start, before that first impression is smashed into tiny pieces and thrown off a cliff.

My reaction to Larry's speech: I feel a little sick inside now.

Larry also happens to be _that guy _from hotel buffet breakfasts. You know, the one who walks up to the table and grabs one of absolutely everything?

Tom's been watching too much of _The Apprentice, _methinks.

You'd think that after two hundred years of curtsying, Hal would be a bit better at it.

Hal's dressing gown: he fell out of bed, and into a lion.

Watching Michael Socha trying to stop a telekinetically controlled stake is the TV highlight of the year, bar none.

Someone make a screenshot of Larry's death face.

Crackpot Fan Theory #12048849: This has all been a really elaborate trick by Captain Hatch to ensure that Hal kills someone. He's clearly been to the 'Joker school' of evil plans.

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - Never listen to a man who gives you a book about success pie.

* * *

LETTERS

ONE - Hey, didn't I tell you that killing and general evil-doing wasn't a great life choice? Yeah, I know Larry was practically begging you to kill him, but still... it's a slippery slope. It starts with strangling a douche-bag werewolf with a lamp, and it ends with everyone in Wales being eaten. Don't make me warn you... I'll stop pretending to be threatening.

And also: good job with Lady Mary, lying to her like that for the best part of a hundred and fifty years. I'm not quite sure how you could keep the 'good guy' act up while you stayed on a healthy diet of three humans a day, but there you go. So, in conclusion: stop being evil, or I'll break out the blood puns again - and you don't want to hear those again, do you?

PTS

TWO - Didn't I warn you about creepy supernatural types who prey on your insecurities? And there you are again, staring starry-eyed at Larry's crappy speech, and then inviting him to live at Honolulu Heights. I know you're a little bit on the naive side, but I would've thought that Kirby would've taught you a thing or two about trust issues, or a lack of.

But I do have to feel for you, considering life for you is like McNair is staring down on you and giving you the traditional fatherly look of disapproval. On the bright side, you've probably already accomplished more than he ever did, so you're actually doing a bit better than him. I mean, you're living with a vampire and a ghost in an Eighties ex-B&B - beats the caravan in the woods (low-budget sequel to _The Cabin in the Woods_, anyone?), doesn't it?

PTS

THREE - So, that's your future, if you're planning on sticking around - going slightly nuts, hanging around in nightclubs (or whatever the 2200 version of a nightclub is - I'd imagine it'd be full of robots getting drunk and... doing the robot). I guess that's a bit of a motivation to find your unfinished business, isn't it? And it's nice that you have another ghost pal to hang around with every now and then, even if she's a little on the unconventional side. Just don't hang around with her too much, because you know how that'll end.

Oh - and just a quick heads up - I think you might have to return to your keeping-Hal-from-killing duties soon enough. He strangled a man, in case you didn't know. That should set some alarm bells ringing, if you actually get to read this. You know, I have a sinking feeling that no-one from this show ever reads these things.

PTS

FOUR - Hey, you. Don't you know what happens to people who go and manipulate Tom? They get squished... or in your case, strangled. Yeah, you probably deserved that, in retrospect (Sorry, Hal). And not only did you manipulate Tom, but you brought out Evil Hal, too.

So what you've essentially done is giving Tom even more confidence issues (at this point, the guy could write a book about his confidence issues, albeit a very depressing book), and set in motion a chain of events that'll probably involve a lot of death, a lot of blood and a lot of press-ups (Hal has his coping mechanisms). When Hal starts eating people, I'm going to blame you. Wait... I've already blamed you. Damn.

PTS

FIVE - So, that's how humanity went from chivalry to insanity: spending too much time in nightclubs, apparently (well, you learn something every day). I'm not sure that it's too healthy to be spending that much time pushing people over, but who knows? Maybe it's the new health craze.

And good luck with your new life - you'll need it, if you're going to become an eco-warrior. People are going to assume that every time they do something un-environmentally friendly, they're going to get pushed over, and then what? It'd lead to the collapse of civilisation as we know it... maybe.

PTS

SIX - You're so desperate now you're calling up sex lines just for a chat? Wow - I didn't even know those depths could be plumbed, but then again, you've always been at the forefront of plumbing new depths, haven't you (cough, eye stab, cough. Cough, Crumb, cough)?

On a slightly nicer note (because let's face it, I've been many things to you, but nice is not one of them), you could make quite a packet out of doing the supernatural clean-up job privately. You've already got your first customer, and who knows where you could go from there? And yes, I only give the very best job advice.

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - Not quite as strong as the last two episodes, but still great - Julian Barratt is amazing, and my God, that ending...

* * *

**Prediction for Next Episode will be back next week. And believe me, there are going to be some very strange predictions.**

* * *

**So, that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but tips and constructive criticism are just as welcome - there's an awful lot I could do better, and tips will mean better chapters for you to read! I also reply to reviews within a day.**

**The chapter for episode four, 'The Greater Good', will be uploaded on Monday 25 February.**

**PTS out.**


	4. The Greater Good

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter four of Devils and Devilry!**

**So, with the end of **_**Being Human **_**far closer than anyone would like it to be, let's take a quick look into that blank void beyond 10 March. Well, first things first, there's **_**In the Flesh**_**, the new three-part zombie series taking up **_**Being Human**_**'s Sunday night slot on BBC Three (the epic trailer was shown last night, after **_**Being Human**_**), and then of course, there's the new series of **_**Doctor Who**_**, which is pretty much single-handedly flying the flag for cult TV in the UK at the moment. And in the autumn, there's new **_**Merlin **_**replacement **_**Atlantis**_**, and finally we'll find out how the heck Sherlock survived. Probably.**

**Having said all that, I'm pretty scared about 10 March will bring. These three words should describe my current feelings about the finale pretty well: Don't. Kill. Tom.**

**So, without any further rambling, here's Episode Four, 'The Greater Good'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

Larry Chrysler, washed-up ex-weatherman and werewolf appeared at the Barry Grand to make the world's worst speech... which Tom fell hook, line and sinker for. Larry, being the utter douche-bag that he was, took Tom under his wing, gave him a book about success pie and taught him how to smash windows.

Meanwhile, Hal kept up his yearly meetings with shy, posh ghost Lady Mary... only she wasn't shy, she was a total loony who pushed people over because she didn't like their shoes and sat in toilets watching people have... uh... intercourse? Eventually, Hal was forced to reveal that Mary wasn't his last victim - more like his hundredth-to-last victim -... and Mary reacted by holding a stake to his heart. Thankfully, she came around, and spared us all from watching Michael Socha flailing around with a stake.

And as for Larry? Well, after one too many insults, he was strangled to death with a lamp by evil Hal. Yeah. Good one, Larry.

* * *

HEROES AND LOSERS

HEROES 1. Tom - He's the best friend you can ever hope for, pretty much, and he'll buy an answering machine for you if you ask nicely. 2. Bobby - For being really, really cuddly and having a ferocious bear hug on him. 3. Crumb - Because staying off blood when it's right in front of you takes some doing.

LOSERS (Yes, the sheer amount of evil in this episode has forced me to widen the playing field a little) 1. Captain Hatch - HE KILLED BOBBY! HOW COULD YOU?! 2. Hal - Drinking blood after teaching another vampire to stay off blood? Now _that's _what I call hypocrisy. 3. Mr Rook - Back on the losers chart, for... y'know, allying with the Devil.

* * *

QUOTES

BOBBY - 'I'll take Burt Reynolds and Worzel Gummidge, please.'

CRUMB - 'Have some f**king profiteroles!' (A/N I don't even know why I put this here!)

HAL - 'You thought you'd lost your reflection. Well, take a good look boy - this is you.'

BOBBY - 'Mr Tom's one of the country's most sought after lifeguards.'

CRUMB - 'Well then... looks like I win.'

* * *

MUSINGS

I feel a bit sorry for Bobby - 35 years locked up in the same room? I'd go nuts, but then again, I think anyone would.

Crumb wearing nothing but pants and a Flaming Orc helmet? I'm scarred. For life.

Alex: 'He's trying to be something better.' Oh, the irony...

Crumb's singing: Can I have that as my ringtone? I'd get some strange looks, that's for sure.

Wait... they have a Nectar card?

Bobby's bear hugs look terrifying. No wonder Mr Rook thought that he was attacking Tom.

Oh for God's sake, Mr Rook. I was beginning to like you, and now you're palling around with the Devil?

I'm really not surprised that Crumb doesn't have a girlfriend.

Also, does no-one notice the weirdo in the shirt talking to himself in a corner (Uh... that's Crumb)?

There's a weird irony here - last series Mr Rook was striving to make sure no-one knew about a werewolf attack. This series, he's striving to make sure everyone in the goddamn world knows about a werewolf attack. You're doing your job well, Mr Rook.

The wolf sprinting across the Barry streets to the hotel must have turned some heads.

Naked hugging: it's not weird if you're a werewolf.

Crumb is probably the person who comes off best this episode - and he's _dead_.

Hal - Stop it. Stop it now. Oh... he's wearing a blood-stained vest in the trailer? OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - If you become a vampire, reach for the stake and/or the nearest glass of werewolf blood.

* * *

LETTERS

ONE - Aw, look at you, being the mentor. After being pushed around like a pinball by Larry last time, now you're actually being a mentor to someone (even if part of that relationship is based on lies about being a well-known lifeguard, and even if that 'someone' likes answering machines and naked bear hugs).

I probably shouldn't go on about it, though, with the suicide and all. Just a quick tip (for the umpteenth time, it seems): you know that creepy guy in the wheelchair? The guy who made you clean his colostomy bag out two weeks ago? Yeah, it was his fault. I mean, look at him, he's already killed the manager, an employee and caused a food fight between you and Hal. Watch out for him, honest.

Just in case: I told you so.

PTS

TWO - Oh, you've got to be kidding me. I've warned you time after time, and look what you went and did - glugging down a bottle of blood like a little kid trying tea for the first time (I was that six-year-old) is not advisable, ever, even in times of extreme stress, and especially when you've spent weeks trying to get Crumb off the blood.

So, I guess this is it: the slippery slope has become the site of a particularly violent rockslide. Evil Hal's on the way back. To be honest, this is actually quite fun for me in some ways. And you know what those ways are? BLOOD PUNS. Yep, you bloody crossed the line here. There's no bloody coming back from this... I'd better bloody save these for next week.

PTS

THREE - So, as it turns out, you were a little wrong about the whole 'we can be human, even though no-one can see me!' thing, which is a bit rubbish. To be honest, I'm surprised you expected a fish supper with Crumb of all people to end well, but there you go. At least you tried to do a good thing and didn't mess it all up at the end, unlike our vampire friend over there, eh?

Oh, and you know I told you last week to watch out for Hal? Well, work fast, because you might just need to wheel out that chair again. Yep, he's back to drinking blood, so keep the chair on high alert. Honestly, tie him up now if you need to - you'll be saving an awful lot of lives. Probably.

PTS

FOUR - Yep, you probably did end up winning. I was actually feeling pretty sorry for you, with Hal and Alex making doe eyes at each other and that bloodlust nagging away - the werewolf blood was actually more of a mercy kill than anything else.

And seeing as you're a pile of ashes on the floor, I might as well tell you that it was a good time to go. If you'd stayed around, Hal would've probably started teaching you how to drink blood (pick up glass, lift glass to mouth, pour into mouth, swallow), rather than stay off blood. And that wouldn't have ended very well, would it?

PTS

FIVE - Hello there. Yep, I'm writing to another dead guy, but I think you probably deserve a letter, dead or alive. I just want to tell you, you're amazing. Well, uh, apart from the minor lack of intelligence, but I think I'll let that one slide. You do give one hell of a bear hug, though.

I'm sorry about Captain Hatch, I've been trying to tell everyone for weeks now. And they're still not listening. To be honest, I'm close to giving up - it'll end in tears, I'll tell you that... and I've gone completely off-topic, haven't I?

PTS

SIX - I tried, I did. I told you to sit on the naughty step (which wasn't a great idea, in retrospect), and gave you a telling off... and you killed Bobby. Seriously, even if you are the Devil, you have some serious anger issues. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist would help? Although you'd probably kill the psychiatrist anyway (Note to self: do not tell the Devil to visit a psychiatrist).

But since you're getting slowly more murderous, a quick warning: stop killing people. I know you need it to gain your powers back, but now's a good time to settle for second best. And whatever you do: don't kill Tom, or Hal. Maybe Hal. Probably not Hal. Don't kill Hal.

PTS

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - The best episode of the series so far, without a doubt - but if I had to put my critic hat on, your enjoyment does hinge on whether you like Crumb or not. I do. A lot.

* * *

**So, that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but constructive criticism is just as welcome - I'm nowhere near perfect, and tips will mean better chapters for you to enjoy, as we head into (eek!) the final two episodes of **_**Being Human**_**. Ever.**

**The chapter for the penultimate episode of **_**Being Human**_**, 'No Care, All Responsibility', will be uploaded on Monday 4 March.**

**PTS out.**


	5. No Care, All Responsibility

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter five of Devils and Devilry!**

**I have a confession to make. Despite pretending to be a huge **_**Being Human **_**fan, I haven't watched a single episode of Series 1 or Series 2 (which may explain my preference for the new trinity). And with **_**Being Human **_**coming to an end next week (NEXT WEEK! NO!), I thought it would be a good time to catch up.**

**Still with me? Well, I've also only covered Series 4 & 5 in fics... so why not cover Series 1-3 as I watch/re-watch them? After all, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to do in them. I've never written a letter to Mitchell, I've only written one for George, back in the first chapter of Prophecies and Properness... and I've never written to the legend that is Herrick. Oh - I'm considering this, but it's not a definite. If you'd like to see a Series 1-3 fic, please drop a PM or leave it in a review!**

**And elsewhere - that new **_**Doctor Who **_**promo pic is face-meltingly awesome. 30 March, where are you?**

**So, without any further rambling, here's Episode Five, 'No Care, All Responsibility'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

One week after dispensing hero worship like there's no tomorrow, Tom became a mentor to cuddly, bear-hugging werewolf Bobby, who somehow managed to beat out Tom in the 'nice-but-naive' stakes. Tom bought Bobby an answering machine (specifically the Belltone 500), Bobby got a job at the Barry Grand, and everything seemed sunny.

Meanwhile, Hal was set the uncomfortable task of detoxing Crumb and his far less interesting pal, Alan. Hal tied them to chairs in the basement of Honolulu Heights... only for Alan to break out and be staked by Crumb. One training montage later, and everything seemed sunny. And yes, that'd be a great end to the story...

... But this is _Being Human_. On the night of the full moon, Bobby was trapped in a hotel cellar as he transformed by Douche of the Year 2013 Mr Rook, and was soon let out into the hotel restaurant, where Crumb was busy telling Alex to have some f**king profiteroles. Luckily, Hal lured Bobby upstairs, and wolf Tom somehow managed to sprint across town and tackle Bobby into a hotel room, as you do.

And back at Honolulu Heights, Hal found himself tied to a chair by Crumb, where he suffered a particularly nasty bout of dualpersonalityitis (warning: may not be a real disease). Luckily, Crumb untied Hal, and uh... drank a glass of werewolf blood (did I forget to mention the werewolf blood? Oops.), Crumbling (Come on, I had to make that joke, stop throwing things at me!) into dust.

And after spending weeks teaching Crumb to stay off blood, Hal decided that it would be a fun idea to have a little drink of blood. Not bloody good, Hal.

* * *

HEROES AND LOSERS

HEROES - 1. Alex - She's a really, really good detective. So good that she ended up in her own coffin! 2. Tom - Mostly because of the birds and the bees scene, really. 3. Natasha - She was sent by Rook, and she let Hal drink blood from her thigh. I am really, really having trouble picking heroes this week.

LOSERS - 1. Hal - He ate a pub (and yes, that sounds pretty odd if you ask me). I told you Hal, it's a slippery slope... 2. Captain Hatch - As badass as his final scene was, throwing Alex into her own coffin was uncalled for. Anger issues, Hatch. 3. Mr Rook - Oh, what's that? You're on the loser list again? What did you do this time? You sent Natasha to ruin the Hal/Tom bromance? Bad Rook, bad.

* * *

QUOTES

ALEX - 'May I recap the story of the Bra of Doom?'

HATCH'S NEWSPAPER (I'm cheating a little here - this is actually a headline rather than a spoken line, but it's just so funny that it had to be included): 'Is health and safety making Britain's farmers gay?'

TOM - 'What are your views on the quilt?'

NATASHA - 'Maybe I like shaving poodles. Maybe I really like it.'

CAPTAIN HATCH - 'I'm only the f**king Devil, sweetheart!'

* * *

MUSINGS

Mr Rook looked exactly the same fifteen years ago? Crackpot Fan Theory #1635735657: Mr Rook is a vampire.

Hal, what did I tell you about your shirtless complex?

Mr Rook must be having a whale of a time in the empty archive, sitting on his own, doing practically nothing. Fun job, eh?

A tip for fighting: if you can't beat them, kick them in the balls and run for it.

I'm loving Tom's 'Ass Man' badge.

Allison reference!

I'm sorry Hal, but there's something fundamentally wrong about biting someone's thigh.

I love that Tom takes Natasha to the same restaurant Cutler took him to in _Making History_. (And yes, I remember a location from an episode of last year's series that was used for about two minutes. Don't judge me!)

Halex: And so a thousand fangirls' dreams were made.

I was half expecting Alex to start saying: 'When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much...'.

What are you doing, Natasha? Ruining the bromance? Look, it'll end badly, I've told quite a few people now, and they all died in increasingly odd ways.

Only _Being Human _can make _The Pirates of Penzance _scary.

I told you so, Natasha.

To be fair to Tom, it's very hard to see the bright side when your best friend is sitting next to the bleeding body of your girlfriend, covered in her blood.

Aw, look, Tom's taken up whittling again.

And so all my worst fears about this episode were confirmed. Screw you, Hal.

He might be the Devil, but Hatch is one hell of a badass.

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - Never drink blood from your best friend's girlfriend's thigh.

* * *

LETTERS

ONE - I bloody give up. No, really, I give up. I gave you warning after bloody warning (I even threatened you with blood puns!), and what do you go and do? You massacre everyone in a pub. I did tell you that drinking blood would end up in a bloody massacre. Honestly, you might've tried to save Natasha, but you don't come bloody back from killing a dozen people and draining them of their blood (I think).

Oh, and another thing? If you find out that the girl that you've been feeding from is Tom's girlfriend, bloody call off the arrangement and get as far away from her as bloody possible. Do not bloody pretend to call it off, change your mind, and continue feeding, because it will end bloody badly. And yes, you deserved every single blood pun you got just there.

PTS

TWO - I feel for you. You're basically a walking, talking chess piece that everyone else has great fun screwing around with. First Kirby, then Captain Hatch, then Larry... You don't really have the best of luck with your choice of friends, do you?

But one tip. Violence doesn't usually solve things (well, OK, maybe it does, but that's not the point!), and going after Hal won't really solve anything, apart from traumatizing a legion of fangirls. To be honest, you should really get your priorities right - Satan is now walking the Earth. And perhaps this is just me, but I'd say that's probably worth looking into. Just saying.

PTS

THREE - Feeling alright down there? A bit claustrophobic? Ah well, I'm sure you can handle it. After all, that's what you get when you start trying to investigate the Devil - you get shut in your own coffin, sharing space with your own corpse. Maybe be a little more subtle than throwing Hatch out of his wheelchair and shouting in his face next time you want to investigate.

Oh, and congratulations on becoming the first ever character to listen to what I said. You got the chair out for Hal, which shows (it's not like it was Hal's idea or anything like that. No way) that you're clearly listening to what I'm saying. And yes, in the end, the chair did bugger all, but it's the thought that counts.

Have fun down there,

PTS

FOUR - You're one messed up little creature, aren't you? First you stab a man in the eye with a pen, lock Crumb in a room with his niece and sister, and now you send Natasha to ruin Hal and Tom's bromance. You're not doing yourself any favours - you're just digging yourself deeper into the ten-foot hole you're standing in.

But since I'm giving everyone else 'helpful' advice, here's a quick tip: do not make friends with the Devil. He might promise you the world now, but the next thing you know, you'll be the guy in the wheelchair in the rubbish seaside hotel. And your life might be a bit rubbish now, but believe me, it's better than that. Just about.

PTS

FIVE - Hey, what do you think you're doing? I see you, sending Mr Rook to send Natasha to ruin the bromance. I've warned you time and time again that ruining Hal and Tom's bromance is not advisable. And this time, your plan actually worked, so I can't even laugh at you for failing. Ah well, I'm sure there'll be _plenty_ of time for that next week.

I have to say though, despite throwing Alex into her own coffin being a fundamentally douchey thing to do, you did pull it off rather well. There are far less cool ways to throw people into coffins... I think. Oh, and seeing as your legs are working again, maybe go for a walk. Stretch those legs a bit. Buy some clean clothes, and/or visit a launderette (Mental note: do not tell the Devil to visit a launderette). If I were you, I might even go for a jog. Just don't... you know, kill people (and yes, this is probably a lost cause with the Devil).

PTS

SIX - Look, I've already complained to Hatch and Rook about ruining Hal and Tom's bromance, so I won't go on about it with you. Nope, I've got other fish to fry, namely: Why the heck did you let Hal drink from you?

I know it's what Rook wanted (and he cared for you _so _much), but aren't there easier ways than letting him chomp on your thigh? After all, it's fairly easy to get hold of a syringe and fill a cup of the stuff. It'd save a lot of pain... if you could feel pain nowadays. Also, it probably would've been a tad better if you let Hal deal with his own problems. I'm sure he'd have been fine. Ish.

PTS

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - For forty five minutes, it's a great episode of _Being Human_. For fifteen minutes, it's an outstanding episode of _Being Human_.

* * *

PREDICTION FOR THE FINALE - Right, I'm going to get this wrong, aren't I? After Hal finishes chomping on the pub, he'll turn back to Lord Hal, and will probably kill a few more people while he's at it. Meanwhile, Tom will head after Hal, only to have his priorities changed after seeing that Hatch is on the loose. The two will head off to kill Hatch, still pretty pissed off at each other.

In the grave, Alex will find a way back through the mirror she was sent through, and will meet up with Hal and Tom. Meanwhile, Hatch will be causing death, destruction, and possibly appearing on telly. The trinity will meet up, form a blood trinity, with Hal having to sacrifice all his blood in a last minute act of redemption, dying (sob) in the process.

The show will end with Alex and Tom sitting in Honolulu Heights, remembering Hal, drinking tea, and finally _being human_.

Whew. If any of those predictions are correct, I'd be surprised.

* * *

**So that's it for this week. Please review - positive reviews are great, but constructive criticism is just as welcome - I just have one more regular chapter left, and I'd like to do justice to what should be one hell of a finale. **

**The chapter for the final episode of **_**Being Human**_**, 'The Last Broadcast', will be uploaded on Monday 11 March - but it won't be the last chapter!**

**PTS out.**


	6. The Last Broadcast

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter six of Devils and Devilry!**

**So, that's it then. **_**Being Human **_**has gone forever. But instead of talking about the end (there'll be **_**plenty **_**of time for that later), let's talk about the beginning, or rather, my beginning. I'd imagine a lot of people reading this started with Series One, but as I mentioned last chapter, I started with Series Three. So, here's the brief story about how I came to watch **_**Being Human**_**:**

**It was just another regular day, and I was on BBC iPlayer, looking for something to watch, when a particular show on the 'featured' section with a picture of Robson Green, a random skinhead (I was less charitable to Tom back then) and a twenty-something woman in a cardigan caught my eye. Yep, you guessed it, it was **_**Being Human**_**. I watched a bit of the episode (episode four, **_**The Pack**_**), and instantly went down to record the next one. That episode was **_**The Longest Day**_**, and from then on I was hooked. So, yep, it's all iPlayer's fault that I'm writing this.**

**And that new **_**Iron Man 3 **_**trailer...Oh god, the new **_**Iron Man 3**_** trailer. Honestly, drop everything and go watch it NOW.**

**So, without any further rambling, here's Episode Six, 'The Last Broadcast'!**

* * *

PREVIOUSLY ON _BEING HUMAN_

Poodle-shaving-loving, arse-kicking human Natasha came running into the Barry Grand, looking for shelter (and not-so-subtly seeking to ruin the Hal/Tom bromance on orders of Dominic 'I don't have any friends' Rook) . And Tom, being the nice-but-naive guy that he is, took her in, gave her a job and worried about fancying two people at the same time. Meanwhile, Hal found himself out of blood, and decided it would be a great idea to start chomping on Natasha's thigh every now and then behind Tom's back.

Elsewhere, Alex turned detective as she investigated Captain Hatch in her trademark way - she kicked him and threw him out his wheelchair. And when Hal came back home hopped up on blood... well, let's just say that there were a lot of happy fangirls after that moment happened.

But this is _Being Human_, so Alex discovered that Hal was snacking on Natasha (I wonder sometimes what this fic sounds like out of context), and it uh... well, let's just say that something hit the fan. Hal was re-tied to his chair, but along came Natasha, who on the orders of Hatch, untied Hal and slit her throat. And because life isn't fair, Alex and Tom walked in on Hal cradling Natasha's bloody body, and a huge fight began between Tom and Hal, which ended with an angry Hal and an even angrier Tom storming out of the house.

Natasha's ghost, who'd decided that it'd be fun to hide on the stairs and not tell the truth, tipped off Alex about Hatch before disappearing through her door. With this new information, Alex went off to zing Hatch, who promptly chucked her into her own coffin.

Meanwhile, in a pub in Barry, Hal decided that it was time for dinner. Honestly, vampires these days...

* * *

HEROES

1. Alex - That X-Men trick is pretty neat, I have to admit. 2. Tom - I'm just going to assume that he's really good at origami. 3. Hal - He might've been a douche-bag for fifty minutes of the episode, but he's not too bad at singing and dancing.

LOSERS

1. Hatch - Killing everyone in Barry is one thing. Possibly putting Hal, Alex and Tom in a dream while he screws up the world? I've run out of stern warnings. 2. Mr Rook - If you try to be the hero, you'll end up possessed by the Devil. Take note, heroes. 3. Dream!Leo - Because using an awesome character and turning his dream version into a whining douche-bag is a low blow.

* * *

MUSINGS

Damn it, why must you make Evil Hal look so bad-ass at the start?

Alex's escape reminds me a little of _X-Men: The Last Stand_, only there's no Vinnie Jones shouting 'I'm the Juggernaut, b*tch!'

Okay, now Evil Hal is just plain evil. Bromance levels critically low.

That said, it's good to know that Tom hasn't lost his bad-ass vampire killing skills.

That is the last thing I'd expect Rook of all people to say.

And just when you thought it was safe to start liking Hal again...

I love how they nicked the song that's playing as they walk around Barry from the series five trailer.

That said, the BBC Three apocalypse is a little less terrifying than most apocalypses.

Mr Rook's loosened his tie? Now we're getting serious.

Captain Hatch is a pretty good TV presenter, I have to say.

INTERLUDE!

I was expecting Hal's vampire beginnings to be a bit more dramatic, if I'm honest. But look, it's LEO!

Oh... Leo's guilt-tripping Hal. Bugger.

Stop teasing me with these fan-pleasing cameos, Whithouse.

At least Alex just has a random Scottish guy with a beard (i.e. her dad) to tempt her. I'm not sure I could take another cameo.

Good job, Hal. You just told Hatch how to destroy the world.

Oh boy, it's Rook trying to be a hero.

I just paused iPlayer on the shot of Rook screaming, and it's the funniest thing ever.

By now, I think I was in the foetal position.

Wait... this is a happy ending? They're human?

Oh, it's the origami wolf that Hatch made... Is this all a dream made by Hatch? WHITHOUSE!

* * *

MORAL OF THE EPISODE - If you're a vampire/werewolf/ghost/other supernatural being and you suddenly become human for an odd reason, just have a quick check before partying that it's not a dream.

* * *

MEMOS

ONE - So, here we are, for the last time. Yep, after fourteen memos, it's time to say goodbye. Not that I want to, but uh... circumstances got in the way. So, let's have a quick talk about what you've been up to this week. I'm just a little curious. Is the post-killing-spree song and dance number a regular thing? I'm just thinking that it's a little impractical to burst into song every time you killed someone, even if it does make you look awesome.

Oh, and congrats on being human, by the way. I hope you enjoy a life without shirtless press-ups, dominoes and weird fidgeting. Oh, and a quick heads up. Ask Tom about the origami wolf, because the answer might be quite surprising, and/or terrifying.

So, goodbye. You've been awesome to write memos to, even when (especially when) you became a little more of a douche-bag that I would've liked. I know you've enjoyed these memos (what do you mean, you didn't?), right?

It's been bloody brilliant.

PTS

TWO - Alive again, eh? Lucky you. I'm just imagining the looks on your family's faces when they see you've come back from the dead. Just tell them that you were trying to impersonate Sherlock and they'll understand. Still, make sure you bring a camera to your first meeting with your family. You could be an internet hit.

And yes, I'm giving this warning to Hal and Tom too, but you might want to know that your current situation could be just a little bit too good to be true. I'm not going to give any more clues, other than suggesting that you watch _Inception_. It's a very good movie, and it has no relevance at all to you or becoming human.

Goodbye, by the way. Yep, you won't have any more of these, which I'm sure you'll be distraught about. Thanks for the quips... and the accent. Mostly the accent.

PTS

THREE - Why, hello there for the last time. It's good to see that the wolf has finally run away. It probably got a little frustrated that you were trying to hold it in, had a strop and ran off, to be honest. Make sure you enjoy those full moons to the maximum, by having a Red Bull-fuelled all-nighter every month. It really gives perspective, honest.

I just have two words for you. Two words that'll make much more sense to you then they did to Alex or Hal. Two words that'll make you challenge your entire beliefs. Two words that'll make you doubt your existence. Ready? Origami wolf. I sure hope that wasn't just an almighty anti-climax.

So, bye. You were the best of all of them (at least this year), even if you're a fifteen year-old stuck in a man's body. Oh, and just before I go, I thought you might want to know that it says 'gullible' on the ceiling.

PTS

FOUR - All week, I was practising the moment where I'd sit down and laugh at you for being defeated by a puny trinity. And guess what? I'm not even sure if I can ever have that moment. Honestly, you could've made things a little easier for me. It's been very hard writing memos to the characters I actually LIKE now, and it's all your fault.

So, just a quick note: please clarify whether you're a bit of black gas or you're still Phil Davis and have Hal, Alex and Tom in a shared dream while you trash the world. If you do have the trinity in a dream, well... screw you. You've been an extremely naughty boy. No TV for a week, not even broadcasting TV.

And if you were really banished, then I just have three words for you. They might make you angry, but that's how it goes: told you so.

PTS

FIVE - So, it's been a pretty rough week for you, what with the Devil possessing you and all. I'm sure it'd be a little uncomfortable to have the Antichrist in your body, but I'm not quite sure. Oh, and uh... I'm not even sure if the Devil actually possessed you, I'm just covering all possibilities here.

And that was all a dream, then congrats, moron. After all the manipulations, the eye-stabbing and the killing, Toby Whithouse finally gave you your department back. I hope you're happy. If you're not, then please, try and find a way to take your anger out that doesn't involve bromance ruining... or pens.

Either way, it's been a pleasure to make fun of you every week. Honestly, you've given me a field day every week with your latest douchey activities. Keep it up. No, hang on a second...

PTS

* * *

QUICK REVIEW - The perfect climax to _Being Human_, even if it seemed a little underwhelming at first glance. And that ending? It's a fanfiction writer's dream. Well done, Whithouse. You've done good.

* * *

**Please review - positive reviews are lovely, but constructive criticism is just as welcome. The main body of the fic might be over, but these aren't the last letters I'll ever write, so I'd really appreciate any tips so I can improve. **

**So, that's it for the series, but NOT for the fic. Nope, I'm not finished yet. Well, I'm almost finished, but that's beside the point. There will be one more chapter, posted this Friday... but I'm not telling you what's in it. Nope, that's a secret. It's not like it's similar to the last chapter of Prophecies and Properness or anything. Well, you've got me, it is. But I do have a surprise in store. **

**PTS out.**


	7. The End?

**A/N Hello, and welcome to chapter seven, the final chapter, of Devils and Devilry!**

**So, here we are, at the end. The last episode has come and gone, and **_**Being Human **_**has floated up to the enormous TV graveyard in the sky (say hi to **_**Merlin**_**, won't you?). But... I'm not quite finished. There's a few things I need to do before I click 'Complete' on this fic and consign it to the 'Gosh, I actually finished this fic' section of my fics (take a look at my list of fics and notice how many are complete). Well, actually, a lot of things. So, here's the 'lots of things'. Also, if you've reviewed this story, you might find a special surprise at the bottom. It promises to be slightly underwhelming. And if you haven't reviewed this story, there's a special surprise at the bottom which I absolutely didn't tell you about in an author note one time.**

**Anyway, I have another author note at the bottom (the joy!), so I'd better stop rambling. Here's the final chapter, 'The End?'!**

* * *

**THE SERIES 5 EPISODE LEADERBOARD**

**1. The Last Broadcast**

**2. No Care, All Responsibility**

**3. The Greater Good**

**4. The Trinity**

**5. Pie and Prejudice**

**6. Sticks and Rope**

**I had a hard time choosing these episodes (not giving them a score this time didn't help), and I'd imagine this would be fairly controversial in certain places of the internet. Anyway, 'The Last Broadcast' wins because it's a brilliant ending in its own right, without that 'choose your ending' genius of a twist. The last three episode all rank above the first three, but that's not to say that they're all bad - even bottom placed 'Sticks and Rope' was a pretty damn great episode!**

* * *

**CHARACTER OF THE YEAR**

Last year, Hal ran home with the trophy for best series four character... but with Hal's bipolar shenanigans in the latter half of the series, naive, arse-kicking ex-werewolf Tom walks home with the award, with Alex a close second. And in third, it's none other than Crumb. Just don't give him aspirin. If you give him aspirin, it's actually murder.

* * *

**DOUCHE-BAG OF THE YEAR**

Anyone who's read a chapter of this fic may guess who will scoop the not-so-coveted Douche-Bag of the Year award... yep, it's Hal. No, not really, it's Mr Dominic 'I don't have any friends or hobbies' Rook. From stabbing a man in the eye with a pen, to locking a bloodthirsty Crumb in a room with his only relatives, from letting Bobby transform in the hotel, from sending Natasha to play to Tom's huge naive side and destroy the bromance, and from resigning from his job the second he got it back... Rook had it all. I mean, he even beat out the Devil in the evil stakes... how is that even possible?

* * *

**MORAL OF THE SERIES**

If you're a supernatural being, being human is hard. But if you wait nicely until the opportunity to kill the Devil and remove your curses arises, you can actually be human. But only if you accept that it's probably a dream.

* * *

**THE UNSUNG HEROES**

There's a few characters that sadly, slipped the net in terms of letters. But even though most people have, we haven't forgotten them. Here's the three unsung heroes of _Being Human _series five:

Lady Catherine - The werewolf queen who ended up in the wrong side of a ritual to banish the Devil. It happens.

Patsy - The eternally stressed out manager/part time Hal-fangirl of the Barry Grand Hotel, who ended up bleeding her eyes out as Captain Hatch delivered a supervillain speech to the probably oblivious Patsy. Still, it _was _probably worth it.

Alan - Ex-Man-in-Grey turned vampire who survived for a whole twenty minutes of screentime as a vampire. Even Wyndham of all people did better, and he died offscreen.

And uh... that's it. I blame budget cuts, if you ask me.

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**REVIEWERS: THANK YOU**

So, here's a personal thanks to everyone who reviewed this story!

**AGoodOmen**: reviewed every chapter! AGoodOmen has been there since the start of the fic, writing pages after pages really, really long reviews. Which is good. Also, Omen came up with one of the best crossover ideas I've heard in a while: Hal solves cases with John Watson in the late 1800s. Make it so, Whithouse.

**BloodStainedFingers: **reviewed every chapter apart from the first one: Bloodstained's (you don't mind if I call you that, I hope) also the only person to have not only reviewed my series four fic (as they went out), but returned to write reviews for this fic. Why would someone want to do that? I honestly don't know, but thanks a lot for your support!

**OnceOrTwiceAMinuteAllSummer**: reviewed three chapters: One of the first people to review the fic, OnceOrTwice has been there before the fic even got posted, which is pretty neat. Also, you were the first person to tell me that you liked the blood puns... you may or may not be regretting typing those words out back in chapter one now.

**IHeartHalYorke'xo**: reviewed two chapters The most recent reviewer, having reviewed chapters four and five. Apparently I made you roll on the floor laughing, which is great in one way, surprising in the other, and slightly worrying in the other. Thanks so much for reviewing!

**darkestboy: **reviewed the first two chapters I don't know if you're still reading this, but you were one of the first reviewers. Also, you read The Angels Stole My Fanfic, which is essentially a thousand awesome points for you (incidentally, The Angels Stole My Fanfic is currently available for reading on my profile. What? Self-promotion? Never!).

**RunningInThePouringRain**: reviewed once:  Again, I don't know if you're still reading this, but thanks for reviewing what I still regard as the weakest chapter (chapter four) - also, you predicted Halex a week before it came true... is there something you're not telling me, Rain?

**fang-banger-and-proud**: reviewed once: You live where _Being Human_ is filmed, so I'll be eternally jealous of you for that one. Thanks a lot for reviewing!

**anna**: reviewed once: You asked for the quotes section, and there it was, in all its slightly misjudged glory. Thanks for reviewing the first chapter!

**Guest**: I will never know who you are, but you were the first ever reviewer for this story. Here, have some virtual milk and cookies!

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**GENERAL THANK YOUS**

Thanks to Kitty O, who again lent her awesome story format to me to use this time around. Go check out all her fics, but especially Restrictions and Reprimands. It's like this, but for _Merlin _series four. And about ten times better.

Thanks to Stephen Saul and Sarah Dollard, who made the _Being Human _blog the best place on the internet for six weeks. Honestly, check out those online scenes... you won't regret it.

Thanks to everyone who had a glance at this fic. You're all amazing, except _you_.

Thanks to everyone who worked on _Being Human_.

But most of all, thanks to Toby Whithouse_. _You made us human-er.

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**A/N Hello old friend, and here we are, at the last page. Wait, wrong show. Again, thanks to much to the reviewers, the alerters and the readers of this fic for making those cold, dark weeknights a little more bearable. So, the future. I'll be uploading three very similar **_**Being Human **_**fics over the next few months... see if you can figure out what they are. The first of them will land in April, so have a look for that. Elsewhere, I'll be posting a story that takes place in the two futures the ending offers, and I'll be posting new chapters of my **_**Doctor Who **_**series seven parody fic The Angels Stole My Fanfic up until the new series on March 30, where I'll be posting a sequel to that fic. So, anyway, that's it. Bye to everyone who's read this - have a great Easter!**

**PTS out.**

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THE POST CREDITS SCENE

Window House shook - but there wasn't anything supernatural here. Well, nothing apart from the vampire, the werewolf and the ghost that had moved in a week ago. As for the shaking? It was nothing more than a slightly panicky George, who'd lost his glasses.

''Where the hell are they?'', he demanded in the slightly squeaky voice that only George could muster.

Mitchell sighed. ''Look in the kitchen, George.'', he suggested. Mitchell just wanted a quiet night in (and possibly find time to catch up on the latest _The Real Hustle_), and George's frantic search was constantly interrupting him.

George didn't go into the kitchen. It wasn't that he didn't trust Mitchell, but he had combed through every inch of the kitchen and he was sure that they weren't there. So, he went for the only place he hadn't checked in: the loo.

Opening the door, he began to search the room, before something caught his eye. His glasses were sitting on the closed toilet seat, on top of a sheet of paper. George frowned. Why the hell would his glasses be on the toilet seat? He picked up his glasses, before noticing the paper. Snatching it, he slid on his glasses before reading the paper.

'I needed your attention, hope you didn't mind me hiding the glasses!', the cheerful message read. And at the bottom, there were just three words - three words that would consign George, his friends and his enemies, to weeks of letters from the same sender: 'Turn page over'.


End file.
